Thursday, January 19, 2012

How to Maximize Your Tax Refund the Spitballer Way

Tax Time!!!

Have some old tax forms laying around? What the fuck is wrong with you? You save old movie tickets too don't you? Toss that shit. Now log onto your tax filing rip-off site of choice. Oh, you bought the software? Fucking moron.

Moving on: Find your W-2s. They're in one of those mail piles. Probably the pile on the dining room table where you stash the really important mail. If not, they're in the bathroom under the Crate and Barrel catalog.
While you're at the dining room table clear off a space to work. The dishes go in the sink for your roommate to wash. Jesus people. We're gonna need some booze. I recommend Jim Beam Rye, neat. Any vodka will do nicely as well. Set that down by your laptop and let's get started on some taxes. You pumped? Me neither.

Alright then, find a blank piece of paper. The back of an envelope will do. 
Filing your taxes:

Step 1:  Write out a list of all your exes. Title this list "Dependents." Add any pets you own to this list. Add your roommate, he/she won't mind.

Step 2:  Try to remember how much that bottle of booze cost. Multiply that by how many bottles you bought last year. Guessing is allowed. Write down that number. Now think really hard. Did anyone drink your booze? If so, this is gonna be your year. Next year don't be such a selfish prick. Now, did you throw any house parties? Did you buy booze for those? Awesome. Try to guess how much. You're allowed to round to the nearest hundred. Write that number below the first. Attend any parties? Did you bring booze? If not, seriously, just go fuck yourself. If you're not a colossal asshat, write that number down under the others. Try to fucking add. Use your cell phone, dummy. Write down the total and above that number, write "Charitable Contributions."

Step 3: Log into facebook. Tell someone you think they're awesome. Find a hideous picture of one of your friends. Comment "you're pretty." This is called "Donated Time." Pay yourself minimum wage for any time you've done that in the last year. This is called "Services Donated to Charity." Add that to the booze total.

Step 4:  Fill out all your W2 info on the rip-off site. Don't worry about the money made off savings accounts. You don't have any and we both know it.

Step 5: This is where it gets tricky. But with Spitball tools, it doesn't have to be. They're going to want social security numbers for all your "Dependents." Relax. Any combination of 445- and a bunch of 1s and 0s will do. 445 means born in Texas and we all know everyone from Texas is lying about something. The IRS stopped trying to figure them out years ago.

Step 6: File that shit. Now take the envelopes you used for calculations and put them in a folder. Write "Audit" on that.
And you're done! Finish that booze, you pussy.

What to do while you're waiting for your refund:  Do you have a passport? Why the fuck not? Alright, if you don't, you're going to need to cash in that pickle jar. Hopefully it's full of change and not pickles. You're going to need a couple hundred. Dollars not pickles. Find a passport processing agency that will rush you one in a few days. That shit ain't cheap. Now search "countries with no extradition treaty." I suggest Venezuela. They have a pretty waterfall. Now you're all set. Once your refund gets here, book it.

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